Pretty Wings Series: Vetting Process of the Heart

Mood Music: Pretty Wings By Maxwell and Playing Possum By Maxwell

Here’s a poem I wrote to help me mend and come to terms after tragedy. Enjoy.

Over and over again I thought of you.
Over and over again did I memorialize you in poem and song
So that your life wouldn’t be in vain.

Every night I lit my heart’s candle
Hoping that that light would illuminate your way to my dreams,
But instead I was cursed with nightmares of your lifeless form.

I prayed to God a thousand times that He would reveal to me
that as you walked out of the door,
you loved me as much as I loved you.

I needed your presence to protect me from harm,
I needed your love to validate me.

I walked a thousand miles in the flood of my tears,
hoping to resurrect what had taken its last breath long before you.
I loved your purely years after you stopped loving me
And even in death I looked for another chance.

The sun still rose and shone,
But I found foolish favor in the dark.
Hopping that from far away, you could see my grief and know I loved you most.
It was an unnecessary ritual that I preformed daily for you.

While you, Love, enjoyed the streets of gold,
I knocked each night on hell’s gate.
Through a great deal of sorrow, I found myself.
Through a great deal of undue grief I found God.
And for that I am thankful.

I wanted desperately to blame you,
for so many wasted years.
While you lie silent,
Lips pursed in an eternal grin,
I screamed for you in anguish.

I wanted to be angry with you,
but you did nothing.
I am to blame for my own feelings
I am to blame for what I chose- not you.

I have awoken from my sorrow,
And I no longer want to join you in peace.
For the first time in a long time,
I am ready to rejoin this chaotic beautiful world.
I want to reap my own harvest,
Not beg your rotting lips to yield fruit.

Love, for the first time in years I don’t stand with you in a dark chapel,
Wiping my tears from your face.
I stand on the cusp of brilliant day- free

I‘ll die innumerable deaths before I could forget you,
But my heart cannot stop for yours.
My love for you is no longer this fiercely consuming thing,
It’s quieter like a gentle breeze after a summer’s rain,
Memorable, refreshing, but no longer destructive.

I wish you well on your journey,
But I cannot lie down and die if you don’t wish me well on mine.